An Hour in Outpatient Medicine
Christian Jones, MSIII

You still have questions about this whole med school concept. You're sitting in classes, learning what may or may not be critical information, wondering if you'll ever use it or even recall it. You think "just wait until third year---it'll be the real hands-on patient care, the epitome of knowledge dissemination, learning more in one hour than in one week of classes."

I'm here to tell you exactly what that hour is like.

What follows is true. The names have been changed to protect the (relatively) innocent, but this is a true accounting of a Wednesday afternoon from the outpatient portion of my Internal Medicine rotation. I received good grades, was often praised for my hard work and knowledge, and yet this is altogether typical. Read and enjoy.

1500: I'm still waiting for Dr. Bob to return from lunch. No one knows where he is, and no one wants to page him. In the meantime, I'm passing the time by playing Palm City (a SimCity clone) on my Palm IIIc.

1506: I'm sick of Palm City. Luckily, I also have Jacks Or Better, a video poker game, installed.

1508: The PA starts asking me questions about a fairly idiotic patient.

1511: Play more Jacks Or Better.

1514: Dr. Bob finally returns from lunch, but notes that there are no "appropriate" patients for me to see. Luckily, there's this cool pen at my desk with a tether that auto-retracts when placing the pen in its stand.

1515: Wind tether around pen really tight, to see if I can make the pen spin out of control after putting it in its stand.

1516: Find a decent hiding place in the back of the desk drawer for the broken pen. Play more Jacks Or Better.

1517: Attempt to write on Kleenex with ballpoint pen without tearing it.

1522: Dispose of empty Kleenex box.

1523: Pretend to read while Dr. Bob walks by my desk. Furrow brow in "thought".

1524: Nexium makes promotional bendy dolls with Nexium pills for bodies. Set up pair of dolls in pornographic pose. Chuckle.

1525: Change to more office-appropriate "see no evil, hear no evil" poses.

1526: Begin clicking pen.

1528: Stop clicking pen when nurse comes by to see "what that weird clicking is". Say "I think it's the air conditioning."

1529: Look casually around the office for anything that wouldn't be missed. Unable to find anything more interesting than a pamphlet on "Understanding Bipolar Disorder".

1532: Notice no free samples of drugs more "recreational" than Ambien (R).

1536: Try to determine if the office potted bamboo counts as a tree or not.

1541: Listen to the 70th Phil Collins song of the day on the office speaker system.

1542: Pretend to read as Dr. Bob walks by.

1544: Go to the bathroom.

1551: Start playing Palm City again.

1553: Get sick of Palm City. Decide to see how loudly I can sigh without anyone noticing.

1555: Stop sighing when nurse comes by to see "what that weird wheezing is". Say "I think it's the air conditioning."

1556: Pretend to read as Dr. Bob walks by.

1557: Get sick of keeping track of ways to pass the time.