Stupid Quotes from Others

(Other than the king of stupid quotes, Dubya.)

Quotes from CBS Anchorman Dan Rather on Election night 2002:

"Could be game set and match Republicans."

"They're about first and goal from 4 yards out."

"Tight as the pages in a book."

"President Bush is hoping to ace his first midterm."

"Crackling like a hickory fire."

"Two hands worth of white knuckle still hanging ten."

"Reminds you of that old Will Rogers line, it takes a lot of money just to get beaten."

"It's beginning to get exciting as the Democrats' fingernails are starting to sweat"

Quotes from Dan Rather on Election night 2000:

"This race is shakier than cafeteria Jell-O."

"Turn the lights down, the party just got wilder."

"It's cardiac-arrest time in this presidential campaign."

"He swept through the South like a tornado through a trailer park."

"Don't bet the trailer money yet."

"It's too early to say he has the whip hand."

"Now Florida, that race, the heat from it is hot enough to peel house paint."

"It's a ding dong battle back and forth."

"If he doesn't carry Florida Slim will have left town."

"If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a hand gun."

"They both have champagne on ice, but after the night is over, they might need a pick axe to open them."

"This race is tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach."

"It's about as complicated as a wiring diagram to some dynamo."

"Only votes talk — everything else walks."

"This will show you how tight it is — it's spandex tight."

"We're going to go to some of those longnecks from a long time ago."

"He's going to find that people will hang on him like a coat rack."

"This election swings like one of those pendulum things."

"This race is as tight as the rusted lug nuts on a '55 Ford."

"What we know is that there will be no decision until some of those races are decided."

"Al Gore has his back to the wall, shirt tails on fire with this race in Florida."

"You talk about a ding-dong, knock-down, get-up race."

"When it comes to a race like this, I'm a long distance runner and an all-day hunter."

"It's the American way: if you don't vote, you don't get to whine."

"Smelling salts for all Democrats please."

"Maybe you can bring some perspective on this, we're plum out."

"When the going gets weird, anchor men punt."

"Tipper is probably telling her husband to hook a U, go back to the house to get a recount."

"It doesn't matter if you're a Democrat, Republican or a mug wamp, elected officials play it straight."

"Florida is the whole deal, the real deal, a big deal."

"The presidential race still hotter than a Laredo parking lot."

"These returns are running like a squirrel in a cage."

"It was as hot and squalid as a New York elevator in August."

"Bush has run through Dixie like a big wheel through a cotton field."

"This will have the people in Austin standing up like they got stuck with hat pins." 

"...in Austin, between the 10 gallon hats and the Willie Nelson head bands."

"The big burrito out there in California"

"They'll be doing back flips in Nashville."

"It would be Shakespearean for Al Gore to lose because of his home state."

"I think you would likelier see a hippopotamus run through this room than see George Bush appoint Ralph Nader to the Cabinet."

"None of this television mumbo jumbo, let's get in there and count the votes."   

"Frankly we don't know whether to wind the watch or to bark at the moon."

"We've lived by the crystal ball, we're eating so much broken glass. We're in critical condition."

Various:

"I've never had major knee surgery on any part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.

"If crime went down one hundred percent, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be." -- Councilman John Bowman, Washington D.C.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brook Shields

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post." -- Philip

Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.

“We're not afraid of challenges. It's like we always say: if you want to go out in the rain, be prepared to get burned.” -- Anonymous Brazilian Soccer Player.

“Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier.” -- Traffic Reporter.

“Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points they almost always win.” -- Doug Collins, basketball commentator.

“If you don't disagree with me, how will I know I'm right?” -- Samuel Goldwyn.

“You will find it a distinct help if you know and look as if you know what you are doing.” -- IRS Training Manual for tax auditors.

“If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it.” -- Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company.

“Four people were killed, one seriously, and eight more received slight injuries.” -- Japan Times article.

“All of the Mets' road wins against Los Angeles this year have been at Dodger Stadium.” -- Ralph Kiner, NY Sportscaster.

“And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?” -- Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House, to a group of people in wheelchairs on Disability Day.

“You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.” -- Sign in a

Moscow Hotel.

“We are sorry to announce that Mr. Albert Brown has been quite unwell, owing to his recent death, and is taking a short holiday to recover.” -- Parish Magazine.

“Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl.” -- Bill Peterson, football coach.

“Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite.” -- Dan Quayle, US VP, head of the Space Council.

“And now the sequence of events in no particular order.” -- Dan Rather.

“You don't tell us how to stage the news, and we don't tell you how to report it.” -- Larry Speakes, press secretary for President George Bush, addressing the media.

“Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?” -- Reverend William Spooner.

“The word ‘genius’ isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst.

“Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.” -- Ivana Trump, upon finishing her first novel.

“We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all

those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey.

"The key to this whole business is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made." -- Monte Clark, former Detroit Lions coach.

"Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical." -- Yogi Berra.

"From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the biggest legs I have ever seen on a running back." -- John Madden.

Unknown:

"If you don't listen to me, I'm going to shove this up my ass!!"

"Understanding things hurts my brain!"

"How attached are you to your knees?"

"I've always wanted to smell a penguin."

“What do I look like? A typewriter?!?”