Richard:

I'm ugly and I'm evil and I hate everyone happier than me. And bloodshed is cool!

Edward:

Hey! The war is over!

Everyone:

Huzzah! Rejoice!

Richard:

*twitch*

Clarence:

Dude, someone told the king someone with a "G" name is evil and now I'm gonna die!

Richard:

. . .

Clarence:

And because my name is George, I'm gonna be executed!

Richard:

. . .

Clarence:

. . . and that's a bad thing.

Richard:

. . .

Clarence:

Because I'm your brother.

Richard:

. . . ?

Clarence:

. . . And you love me?

Richard:

Oh, yeah, right. I'll go talk to Edward.

Clarence:

I'll just wait in the Tower of Doom and Imminent Death.

Brakenbury:

So, you really going to try and save him?

Richard:

No, it's all part of my scheme.

Brakenbury:

. . .

Richard:

. . . um . . . Hey! Doesn't Elizabeth suck?

Brakenbury:

Yeah, and Edward's doing the nasty with Mistress Shore, who is also doing the nasty with Hastings.

Guards:

OMGWTFSCANDAL!

Hastings:

The king is dying because he's fat!

Richard:

Woo! . . . I mean, oh no! Woe is me! Both of my brothers are going to die! Through no fault of my own, for the record!

Richard:

Wait, if this guy's been dead for three months, how is he "bleeding afresh"?

Anne:

My husband is dead! My father-in-law is dead! And it's all your fault, you stupid hunchback!

Richard:

I think she likes me!

Anne:

I blow my nose at you and wave my privates at your aunties!

Richard:

*stichomythia'd!*

Anne:

I don't like you. Curse you and any woman you swindle into loving you!

Richard:

Funny you should mention that . . . wanna hook up?

Anne:

WTF?????

Richard:

You are so beautiful . . . to meeeeeeeeee!!

Anne:

WTF????????????????????

Richard:

I killed your husband and your father-in-law because I was in love with you! My hunchback yearns for your woman's touch!

Anne:

Um, ew? I can't love you! You're too evil! I'm too pretty!

Richard:

But I love you more than Anakin loves Padme!

Anne:

Awwwwwwwwww. . .

Richard:

WHOA!! I can't believe that actually worked!

Elizabeth:

Not good! Not good!

Rivers:

Jeez, lighten up, Mom.

Grey:

Yeah, just because your husband, the king, is dying, and everyone else in the castle hates our guts doesn't mean anything bad will happen to us when Edward dies!

Rivers:

Dude, you're not helping.

Richard:

Y'all suck!

Elizabeth:

So's your face!

Richard:

That didn't even make sense.

Elizabeth:

"So's your face" ALWAYS makes sense.

Richard:

That's stupid.

Elizabeth:

So's your face!

Rivers:

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!

Margaret:

Idiots!

Elizabeth:

Oh, dammit . . . here comes trouble.

Margaret:

You stole my throne!

Richard:

Margaret, no one wanted your crazy family on the throne.

Rivers:

Making York dry his tears with a handkerchief seeped in Rutland's blood? Seriously not cool.

Shakespeare:

*PLUGPLUG* For more backstory, go read Henry VI! *PLUGPLUG*

Elizabeth:

Yeah, you guys were brutal. Call it karma.

Margaret:

OH NO YOU DID NOT JUST SAY WHAT I THINK YOU SAID.

Dorset:

Crazy lady says what?

Margaret:

What?

Dorset:

Haha, gotcha!

Margaret:

Screw this crap. You are all now cursed! *disappears in a puff of smoke*

Richard:

That was random.

Elizabeth:

Where were we?

Richard:

You suck.

Elizabeth:

So do you!

Richard:

Right. See you later, then.

Richard:

Hey, do me a favor and go kill my brother. He's in the Tower of Doom and Imminent Death. Don't let him talk because he can manipulate anyone into doing anything.

Murderers:

How is that different than what you do?

Richard:

. . .

Clarence:

WHOA!

Keeper:

What?

Clarence:

I just had a dream . . . about pirates! And treasure! And dead bodies!

Keeper:

Cool!

Clarence:

NO. It was SCARY. And FORESHADOWY!

Keeper:

*rolls eyes*

The Foreshadowing:

*was real*

First Murderer:

Can I kill him now?

Second Murderer:

No.

First Murderer:

Can I kill him now?

Second Murderer:

No.

First Murderer:

Can I kill him now?

Second Murderer:

SHUT UP!

Clarence:

Zzzzzz . . . wha? Who are you guys?

First Murderer:

We're here to kill you.

Second Murderer:

STABBITY!

Clarence:

Crap. *dies*

First Murderer:

Cool. Let's get drunk.

Edward:

Love!

Rivers and Dorset:

Huggles!

Edward:

Peace!

Elizabeth and Hastings:

Kisses!

Edward:

Fidelity!

Hastings and Dorset:

Man-hug!

Edward:

Loyalty!

Elizabeth and Buckingham:

Embrace!

Edward:

Be excellent to each other!

Everyone:

LOVEFEST!

Richard:

HEY! No one invited me!

Buckingham:

Well, you hate love and merriment and happiness in general.

Richard:

Oh, yeah. By the way, Clarence is dead.

Edward:

WTF?

Richard:

Yep, died in his sleep. Very mysterious, investigation pending.

Edward:

Why didn't anyone tell me I was acting crazy when I imprisoned my brother and left him to die for no reason other than his name starts with the wrong letter?

Hastings:

Because you were crazy and imprisoned your brother and left him to die for no reason other than his name starts with the wrong letter?

Rivers:

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

Clarence's Kids:

Grandma, is Daddy dead?

Duchess of York:

No.

Kids:

Then why is everyone saying "Oh no, Clarence is dead!" and "Did you hear Clarence died?" and "Hey, Clarence kicked the bucket!"?

Duchess:

Okay, fine, he is dead.

Kids:

Our lives suck beyond all reason!

Elizabeth:

Edward died! My life sucks more!

Kids:

Nuh-uh!

Elizabeth:

Yah-huh!

Kids:

Nuh-uh!

Elizabeth:

Yah-huh!

Kids:

Nuh-uh!

Elizabeth:

Yah-huh!

Duchess:

Shut up!! My life sucks more than anyone's!

Richard:

What's going on here? Something crazy?

Elizabeth, Kids, and Duchess:

WOE!

Richard:

Whatever.

Citizen:

Dude, we're being rules by a kid. And Richard's ugly and evil.

Another Citizen:

What's the point of this scene?

Citizen:

It's commentary from the plebians.

Mini Duke of York:

Uncle Richard loves me! He says I'm just like him!

Duchess:

*facepalm*

Elizabeth:

My brother and son and Vaughn are incarcerated!

Duchess:

Who didn't see that coming?

Elizabeth:

I'm gonna go hide in the church.

Prince Edwward:

I'm only nine years old, but I am such a snobby biatch.

Richard:

You have no idea how much I want to stab you right now.

Prince Edward:

I wanna be like Caesar.

Buckingham:

Wow, how fitting.

Mini Duke of York:

Let's play horsey, Uncle Richard!

Richard:

You two are so going to the Tower of Doom and Imminent Death.

Mini Duke of York:

But Uncle Clarence is gonna haunt us!

Duchess:

Yeah, that's the least of your problems.

Richard:

Buckingham, since you're my bestest friend, I promise you LAND.

Buckingham:

That is so totally awesome, I'm just going to overook the fact that have betrayed everyone else you care about.

Messenger:

OMG! Stanely had a bad dream! A boar cut off his head and now he's totally freaking out.

Hastings:

Cha. It's just foreshadowing! Tell him to stop being such a pansy.

Catesby:

Don't you think Richard would be an awesome king? I totally think he would.

Hastings:

More than the small child who is on the throne currently? Surely you jest.

Catesby:

You know, it sucks when MEN DIE WHEN THEY'RE LEAST EXPECTING IT.

Hastings:

. . .

Catesby:

. . .

Hastings:

. . .

Catesby:

You know, like when they DON'T SAY "RICHARD WOULD MAKE SUCH A BETTER KING THAN THE RIGHTFUL HEIR TO THE THRONE."

Hastings:

. . .

Catesby:

. . . !!

Hastings:

Are you hitting on me?

Catebsy:

*facepalm*

Hastings:

OH I GET IT! This is about Rivers, Vaughn, and Grey getting executed, right?

Catesby:

Oh, sure, why not?

Hastings:

GOOD. Because they SUCK.

Stanley:

Can't sleep. Boars will kill me.

Hastings:

Hey, look, it's Stanley, the guy who's afraid of his own stupid dreams!

Catesby:

A foreshadowy dream? Haven't you read Julius Casear? Forshadowy dreams should ALWAYS be taken seriously.

Grey:

We're going to be killed at the Tower of Doom and Imminent Death? The curses of Margaret were real!

Rivers:

Apostrophe! Irony!

Vaughn:

Curse you, foreshadowing!!

Hastings:

Richard LOVES me! I'm, like, his bestest friend! I know everything about him and he confides in me about everything! We're BFFs!

Richard:

HASTINGS, YOU'RE STUPID STRUMPET SHRIVELLED MY ARM!!! Oh, and I want some strawberries now, kthnxbi.

Hastings:

WTF?

Richard:

My arm is deformed because of that strumpet Shore! Where are my strawberries, dammit?

Hastings:

Ignoring the fact that your shriveled arm was shriveled since FOREVER, if she did this –

Richard:

IF? WTF "IF"?!?!?!?

Hastings:

Oh, CRAP.

Richard:

YOU DIE NOW! TO THE TOWER OF DOOM AND IMMINENT DEATH!

Hastings:

The curses of Margaret! Stanley's dream!! Curse you, foreshadowing!!!

Richard:

Buckingham, you have the ugliest armor I have ever seen.

Buckingham:

Thanks for your continued support, man.

Mayor:

What up, homeslices?

Richard:

OMG!!

Mayor:

Ah! What?!?!?

Buckingham:

Drums!!!!!

Richard:

Evil!!!!!

Buckingham:

Destruction!!!!!

Mayor:

OMGWTFSCARY

Richard:

Anyways, yeah I sent Hastings to the Tower of Doom and Imminent Death. He said "if" and I called him a traitor and sent him to be executed.

Mayor:

I want to point out that this was a stupid thing to do, but frankly I'm scared witless.

Richard:

Hey, Buckingham, make like a high school girl and start spreading rumors.

Buckingham:

Like that Stanley wets the bed? You're too late, man.

Richard:

No, something along the lines of Elizabeth's a slut and her kids are bastards and that my mom was a slut and my brothers are bastards and I'm the son of God.

Buckingham:

Elizabeth and Duchess are sluts, everyone except Richard is a bastard, and Richard is the ugly version of Jesus . . .

Scrivener:

Does anyone else think Hastings' execution was kinda messed up?

Plebian:

Dude, this scene is pointless.

Buckingham:

I hate to tell you this, but the plebians think you're evil.

Richard:

Son of a strumpet!

Buckingham:

But on the plus side, the plebs think the princes suck too, and now the Mayor wants you to be king.

Richard:

Yay!

Buckingham:

But we must be coy about it!

Richard:

Why?

Buckingham:

It's the thrill of the chase! It's like with you and Anne!

Richard:

Am I going to have to seduce the Mayor?

Buckingham:

No, you'll just have to pretend to be all priest-like.

Richard:

So then I AM going to seduce the Mayor?

Buckingham:

Just go read your Bible.

Buckingham:

Richard's in his room between two priests.

Catesby:

*snicker*

Buckingham:

Oh, don't be such a perv.

Mayor:

Richard, will you be our king?

Richard:

No.

Buckingham:

Please?

Richard:

No.

Buckingham:

*puppy-dog eyes* Pretty please?

Richard:

Oh, well, all right.

Mayor:

Yay!

Richard:

Excellent.

Elizabeth:

SO NOT GOOD.

Duchess:

Woe!

Clarence's Kids:

More woe!

Anne:

I haven't got a wink of sleep since Richard and I got married.

Elizabeth:

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!

Anne:

Oh, don't be such a perv. I have insomnia and Richard cries in his sleep.

Elizabeth:

All our lives suck.

Duchess:

. . . but mine still sucks more.

Richard:

The crown makes me feel cool! BTW, kill my nephews.

Buckingham:

Why? You're already king.

Richard:

Yeah, but they annoy me.

Buckingham:

But they're small, adorable CHILDREN.

Richard:

Pansy! We are so not friends anymore!

Buckingham:

*wibbles*

Richard:

Catesby, start spreading the rumor that Anne is sick. And that she'll die on Tuesday. Because a pillow would have attached itself to her face mysteriously and cut off her air supply.

Catesby:

Got it.

Richard:

And I am very distraught over this. Remember that.

Buckingham:

Hey, Richard? Can I have my land you promised me back in Act 3 now?

Richard:

Man, my niece sure is hot!

Tyrrel:

Someone call for the murder of a cherub-like royal?

Richard:

Two, actually!

Buckingham:

Um, hello? You promised me land?

Richard:

You know what I just remembered? Richmond. He's supposed to kill me. I should murder him, too.

Buckingham:

LAND. NOW.

Richard:

Shut up, Buckingham. No one like you anymore.

Buckingham:

WTF?

Richard:

Not everything in life is fair, Buckingham, JEEZ. I want a pony, but that doesn't mean I can just go out and get one, now can I?

Buckingham:

You just got yourself a pony! His name is Snowflake!

Richard:

Oh, yeah! We're bestest friends!

Buckingham:

My life sucks and I want to die.

Richard:

So, are they dead?

Tyrrel:

YES, BUT IT WAS AWFUL.

Richard:

Yeah, I don't care.

Tyrrel:

*cries*

Ratcliffe:

My lord, Richmond and Buckingham have a really big friggin' army that coming to bring about your doom!

Richard:

Thank you, Captain Bring-Down.

Margaret:

Ah! It's the curséd ones! How's those curses I cursed you with, eh, cursedies?

Elizabeth and Duchess:

Woe!

Margaret:

Yeah, it's called karma, bitches!

Elizabeth:

Margaret, can you teach me to curse people?

Duchess:

WTF?

Margaret:

Yeah, WTF?

Elizabeth:

I wanna curse Richard ‘cause he's mean and nasty and he killed every male in my family!

Margaret:

Okay, this is Cursing People 101 with Professor Margaret.

Elizabeth and Duchess:

We're ready!

Margaret:

Point 1: Exaggerate everything!

Elizabeth:

My sons were the bestest boys in the whole wide world!

Margaret:

Good. Point 2: Make yourself look crazy. Don't sleep, don't eat, and don't even comb your hair.

Duchess:

OH NOES! Everyone is out to get me!!

Margaret:

Point 3: Rhyme. A lot. And don't forget the wit!

Elizabeth and Duchess:

Richard sucks, Richard sucks, Richard sucks, Richard sucks . . .

Richard:

WTF?

Duchess:

You're head is too ugly for the crown!

Elizabeth:

One day, someone will take you DOWN!

Margaret:

. . . work on your delivery.

Richard:

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS ON?

Duchess:

You know it's true, since I'm your mommy
I wish you nothing but death and agony!
Justice will prevail, and your enemies will taste victory!!

Margaret:

Duchess gets an A!

Elizabeth:

Yeah! What she said!

Margaret:

*facepalm*

Richard:

Hey, Elizabeth, I've got the hots for your daughter!

Elizabeth:

WTF?????? You're her uncle!

Richard:

Yeah, but she's HAWT.

Elizabeth:

WTF?????????????????????????

Richard:

*Stichomythia'd!*

Elizabeth:

You killed my sons! And my brother! And my other sons! And Vaughn!

Richard:

Yeah, but I will do it with Elizabeth, Jr. and then she'll have kids to replace your kids. You won't be my sister-in-law anymore, just my mother-in-law and I can make you a grandmother!

Elizabeth:

That is very disturbing, even for you.

Richard:

How about this? If I win the Big Deus Ex Machina Battle tomorrow, I can marry your daughter.

Elizabeth:

Sigh.

Ratcliffe:

Richmond has come ashore!

Richard:

Catesby! Go to the Duke! Ratcliffe! Go to Salisbury!

Catesby and Ratcliffe:

. . .

Richard:

WHAT?

Catesby:

Why am I going to the Duke?

Richard:

To tell him to go to Salisbury! Get it together, man! I just told you that!

Ratcliffe:

No, you told me to go to Salisbury.

Richard:

No, I didn't!

Ratcliffe:

Yes, you did.

Richard:

No, I didn't!

Ratcliffe:

Yes, you did.

Richard:

. . . did what, now?

Ratcliffe:

SALISBURY!!

Richard:

Yeah, steak sounds good for dinner.

Catesby:

Dude, we are SO screwed.

Stanley:

Richmond went back to his boats, but Bukingham has an army!

Richard:

You suck, Stanley! I bet you're a spy!

Stanley:

I AM SO NOT A SPY.

Richard:

Whatever. I'm still keeping your son as a hostage.

First Messenger:

Richmond's got pirates!!

Second Messenger:

Richmond's got mercenaries!!

Richard:

SOMEONE GIVE ME GOOD NEWS, DAMMIT!

Third Messenger:

Buckingham's army is really damn big!!

Richard:

Does Richard have to smack a bitch?

Third Messenger:

Ahhhh! But a storm destroyed everything!

Richard:

My bad! Here's some money.

Catesby:

Buckingham was captured!

Richard:

Yay!

Catesby:

But Richmond's army is still really damn big!

Richard:

Dammit!

Stanley:

Tell Richmond I can't do anything because Richard is holding my son hostage.

Christopher:

So, you are a spy?

Stanley:

Yeah. Duh.

Buckingham:

Woe! Apostrophe!

Sheriff:

Hey, it's Halloween!

Buckingham:

The curses of Margaret were real! Curse you, foreshadowing!!!

Richmond:

I rock!

Richmond's Peeps:

Yay!

Richmond:

You rock!

Richmond's Peeps:

Yay!

Richmond:

Richard sucks!

Richmond's Peeps:

Yay!

Richard:

Pitch my tent, dammit!

Richard's Peeps:

. . .

Richmond:

We rock!

Richmond's Peeps:

Yay!

Richard:

Someone blackmail Stanley so we can have more power. And someone bring me wine, dammit!!

Richard's Peeps:

. . .

Richmond:

You rock, step-dad Stanley!

Stanley:

Yay!

Richmond:

You rock, God!

God:

Yay!

Ghosts of Edward, Henry VI, Clarence, Rivers, Grey, Vaughn, Prince Edward, Mini Duke Of York, Hastings, Anne,  and Buckingham:

Richard, we hate you. Despair and dieeeeeee!!!!!!

Richard:

Zzzzzzzz……

Ghosts:

We said, "Despair and dieeeeeee!!!!!!"

Richard:

Zzzzzzzz……

Ghosts:

Wake up!

Richard:

Zzzzzzzz…wha?

Ghosts:

Despair and dieeeeeee!!!!!!

Ghosts:

You rock, Richmond!

Richmond:

Yay!

Richard:

No one likes me! Woe!

Richmond:

Some ghosts told me I rock!

Richmond's Peeps:

Yay!

Richmond:

You guys rock!

Richmond's Peeps:

Yay!

Richmond:

Richard sucks!

Richmond's Peeps:

Yay!

Richard:

No sun today? That has to be a sign that the villain is going to win!

Ratcliffe:

Or that the protagonist is going to lose.

Richard:

Yay!

Ratcliffe:

. . . you're the protagonist.

Richard:

No, I'm the villain.

Ratcliffe:

You can be both.

Richard:

Really?

Ratcliffe:

Sigh.

Richard:

Y'all suck!

Richard's Peeps:

. . .

Richard:

But Richmond is a pansy, so I think you can win.

Richard's Peeps:

. . . yay?

Messenger:

Stanley's a traitor!

Richard:

Off with his son's head!

Messenger:

Nah, do it later.

Richard:

Whatever.

The Battle:

*is so totally on*

Richard:

OMG, SNOWFLAKE??????

Richmond:

*stabs Richard*

Richard:

*dies*

Richmond:

Yay!

Richmond:

Richard's dead!

Richmond's Peeps:

Yay!

Richmond:

I rock!

Richmond's Peeps:

Yay!

Richmond:

I also rule now! Call me King Henry VII!

Richmond's Peeps:

Yay!

Richmond:

I'm gonna marry Elizabeth, Jr. because she rocks!

Richmond's Peeps:

Yay!

Richmond:

Peace rocks!

Richmond's Peeps:

Yay!