WE JOIN OUR HEROIC TRIO in the midst of a quest to retrieve King Tommy
Trojan’s solid gold third base from the clutches of EF-U, Evil Frisbee-ers United.
Members of the fearless party include:
Also joining us is the Dungeon Master (DM), who is running the game. DM: “Who the hell are you? RPGs don’t have announcers. I’m casting MUTE on you.” Announcer: “Sorr.. mhmmff mm mmmggh mmm!!!” Merry: “all right, I unlock the door with my spatula. What do I see?” DM: “You enter a quad filled with orcs. One of them pitches a kickball at you. Roll for initiative.” Pippin: “Crap, whose turn is it to kick?” Meggon: “I kick after you.” Pippin: “But I just kicked.” Merry: “Fine, I’LL kick!” *rolls dice* 19! That’s all the way into the outfield! DM: “The right-outfielder orc rolls a natural 20, thus catching the ball REALLY WELL. Take 4 points of damage.” Merry: “What?” DM: “You heard me. It was a critical catch. Take 4 points of damage.” Meggon: “That doesn’t even make sense. Why would she get hurt from the orc catching the ball?” DM: “It’s magical ego damage.” Merry: “Crap! I was already down to 3 hit points from when I kicked a critical foul ball. I’m dead!” Pippin: “NOOOO! REVEEENGE! I take out my Crossbow of Outfielder-Smiting and shoot him in the FACE!” DM: “You forgot to put on your Boots of Non-Suckage. As you reach back to retrieve your weapon, you slip on a banana peel left over from a previous game of Mario Kart. Your robes are now afflicted with a Level 5 Grass Stain.” Meggon: “I cast Tide With Bleach on him.” DM: “You already cast Tide With Bleach today while doing laundry at your parents’ house. You have to rest a full night before casting it again. Pippin, you’re still down.” Pippin: “Crap, well I shoot him anyway. I roll a... 15! Bam-shakalaka!” DM: “You suffer a minus-4 penalty because you’re not standing up. Also, for actually saying ‘Bam-shakalaka’ out loud, subtract another 3. Your new roll is an 8, which... misses the orcish left outfielder, but... hits a sorority girl. Her frat boy minions begin charging at you.” Meggon: “I whine at them!” DM: “They’re UNDEAD frat boy minions, so your whining has no effect.” Pippin: “I shoot at them with my Slingshot of Not Missing.” DM: *rolls dice* “The frat boys dodge with a well-executed, synchronized keg stand! Your projectile whizzes past them... and hits STEVEN SAMPLE!” Pippin: “Bollocks!” Meggon: “I hide behind my dignity!” DM: “You’re all out of that. Steven Sample becomes angry! He...” *rolls dice* “LECTURES ABOUT LEADERSHIP SKILLS! Roll a Saving Throw versus Getting Bored!” Meggon: *rolls dice* “Damn! Four!” Pippin: “Hang on! I can use my Math Major skills to save us! I whip out my scroll of Overpriced Calculus Book and read the section on L’Hospital! As hit points approach zero, kicking ass approaches infinity!” DM: “Steven Sample laughs at your feeble attempt, and points out that his lecture was not of the form zero-over-zero or infinity-over-infinity. He calls DPS and then turns on all the sprinklers in the entire quad!” Meggon: “Water! My arch-nemesis!” WILL OUR HEROES SURVIVE THE ONSLAUGHT OF THE OUTFIELDER ORC, THE UNDEAD FRAT BOY MINIONS, PRESIDENT SAMPLE, AND THE SPRINKLERS? WILL THEY EVER GET TO THIRD BASE? CAN THIS RPG SUCK ANY MORE? DM: “Hey! No fair! I already cast mute on you!” --Aaron © 2006 Aaron Kositsky & USC Kickball Club. |