LOS ANGELES (Rëütërs) — According to confidential kickball documents allegedly discovered “totally legally” by USC Kickball (Nasdaq symbol: USCK), KXLU Kickball (Nasdaq symbol: BOOO) members have labeled their USC rivals “fat” and “smelly.” Also uncovered in the documents were incriminating facts regarding KXLU Kickball, including the revelation that every member of their group hates puppies, and that their secret motto is “Bringing shame and tears to children everywhere, since 1982™.”
A spokesman for USC Kickball wanted to add that they “totally didn’t, like, forge these documents using Microsoft Office 2003 and my mom’s sweet laserjet printer she keeps in the den.”
Since publishing these documents online at usckickball.com, USC Kickball has been the subject of an increasing amount of criticism over both its conduct and its poor html skills.
A spokeswoman for Dustin Hoffman said that the 69-year-old actor was still pursuing projects, but wondered what our story had to do with him.
When asked if the group had ever confronted KXLU Kickball directly regarding the documents, USC Kickball President Aaron Kositsky responded, “yeah, during one of our practices we called them up… I wasn’t paying much attention, but I heard something about ‘libel, blah blah blah, getting lawyer blah blah, suing blah blah blah are you even listening blah blah’ before retorting 'your MOM!' and slamming down the phone.” According to Kositsky, they then were all like “Yeah! Wicked awesome!”, at which point high fives and huzzahs were shared by all.
The two teams are scheduled to face each other again, for the very first time, on February 19 at 3:00pm in Mar Vista Park. A cursory check on the Vegas odds showed KXLU heavily favored, with 500:1 odds for, and an average 300-point spread between the two teams. “Frankly, U SCK sucks,” explained Bellagio’s sportsbook director, Swanky McSwankerson. “They spend all their time writing fake news stories in a misguided attempt to intimidate opposing teams into forfeiting, and consequently have no time to practice basic skills such as running and catching. Only a third of them passed the ‘Kickball, or Random Squiggly Lines?’ (KORSQ) test, well below the control group of blind orangutans.”
The USC Office of Athletics repeatedly provided no comment, but after approximately an hour, a woman came outside and asked us to stop talking to the office, which is, according to her, an “inanimate structure made of bricks,” a fact which allegedly rendered it unable to answer our queries.