|
Forward: UNFAKE DPS REPORT
On Thursday, February 10, 2005, a male student was walking near McCarthy Quad
when he was heckled by a tall, gangly Caucasian male who made repeated demands
for a “pitcher”, as opposed to a “belly itcher.” The victim fled to Parking
Structure X, where he was then eaten by a giant stapler.
On Thursday, February 3, 2005, a female suspect followed a male student into
Trojan Grounds and began to dance around erratically and sing to the victim that
he was “so policy free” and that, furthermore, he was “fantasy wheels,” but
later reassured him that everything he did was “all right, all right, all right.”
Differing witnesses described the suspect as “bitchy” and/or “clever”, but
definitely not “sassy.” Her behavioral profile suggests she sucks hardcore at Mario Kart 64.
On Thursday, January 27, 2005, a large group of students were simultaneously
accosted by a stupid email in their inboxes. The sender of this email still has
not been apprehended, though the suspect, according to one anonymous tipster, is
described as unbelievably handsome and available, with cool hair and a suave
demeanor. He is also the most modest human being on the entire planet, according
to another anonymous tipster who sounded suspiciously like the first. The email
was regarding an upcoming game of kickball, but it was so stupid, according to
one victim, that it made him want to “vomit all over”. All over what, exactly,
has yet to be determined.
On Thursday, January 20, 2005, a female student was biking through McCarthy Quad
when she was nearly killed by a suspect flying through the air in a downwards
direction. The suspect was described as spherical and bouncy, 12-16” in
diameter, and sporting a large tattoo of Scooby Doo. A blond male accomplice
with poor dental hygiene then approached the victim and attempted to communicate,
but was wildly unsuccessful. The victim managed to pick up select key phrases,
such as “kickbohwal”, “bloody ‘ell”, “pip pip”,
and “bob’s yehr uncle” before
running away. The suspect is considered armed and extremely British.
IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION ABOUT THESE CRIMES, CALL THE DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC
SAFETY AT 867-5309 OR LAPD SOUTHWEST DIVISION AT 1-800-94JENNY. PLEASE DO NOT
ASK US WHY WE INCLUDE THE YEAR IN EVERY SINGLE INCIDENT REPORT. WE DO IT BECAUSE
WE ARE DUMB. |