Excerpts from "Loren's tips on drinking":

1.A In preparation for one's birthday, appoint a chaperone. This person should remain relatively sober the entire evening and make sure that you don't get into any real trouble with the law or an ex-con named Bubba.

2.A In addition to a chaperone, you may want to appoint a bank. Give this person all of your money. This way, no hard feelings are created when you ask for a drink, and no one needs to feel guilty about asking you for money. Also, this means that someone else controls your consumption and can cut you off when necessary.

A. Declare one of your shirts a "drinking shirt". It shouldn't be the nicest shirt you own. Then when you wear your "drinking shirt" around during the day, you can remember past experiences (or try to remember).

a.1 If you are dating someone, your drinking shirt must be the raunchiest most obnoxious shirt you can find. That way, when you beer goggle, no one will take you seriously, and no permanent harm is done to your relationship. (provided of course, that you don't call her while you're drunk)

B. Declare a pair of shoes "drinking shoes" so you don't ruin any nice footwear. (My recommendation are Teva sandals; very washable)

b1. Having played soccer with rocks, I prefer shoes that cover my toes... The important tip here is to plan your outfit around possible activities. Of course, drunk people seem to make the impossible happen. Be prepared!

C. When going somewhere to drink, always wear an undershirt. That way, if it is absolutely neccessary, you can puke in your "drinking shirt" and also, you don't have to sleep in a soiled shirt.

c.1 Always tell someone who is unconnected with the festivites where you are going. If something goes horribly awry, they will eventually track you down.

D. Don't wear any nice wristwatches when drinking, tables and such have a nasty habit of jumping out and breaking your watch.

d.1 Likewise, don't wear any rings. Drunk people swing their arms a lot, and getting slapped by a stranger is easier to laugh off then getting slugged by a class ring. You don't wanna get pummeled for pointing.

E. Never eat pizza after you get tanked. Pizza bits smell.

e.1 Just about everything smells I think, but I prefer oatmeal. It's completely unrecognizable, and soaks up a good bit of alcohol.

F. When lying down to sleep, always lie face down with your head near a trash-can. Never lie face up.

f.1 I suggest not going to sleep at all until you can confidently say you are "sober" (it's all relative). Unexperienced drinkers should never try to sleep with the spins. It tends to leave a mess.

G. If possible, always puke outside, its much easier to clean up. Bonus if you can find a dumpster. (more points if you can make it in the dumpster)

g.1 If vomit is involved, quick decisive action is always necessary. clean it up as soon as possible. If possible, or necessary talk to the sober person, and when they give you orders, ask them to use small words.

H. Jello Shots: Take a few minutes to take effect, never eat too many at first.

h.1 and never, ever make them using grape jello.

I. Drink lots of water before you go to sleep to minimize the after effects.

i.1 gatorade actually works even better.

J. Always play drinking games if asked.

j.1 and if not asked, propose one.

K. Hold your girlfriends hair back while she pukes, she will love you forever.

k.1 Likewise, don't ever take pictures of the after effects of alcohol on your girlfriend. While it may be funny to you, and funny to your friends, it's a sure fire way to end a relationship.

L. Practice sneaky lines when heading for the bathroom. Never say "Oh god I need to hurl!" Instead, be like, "Boy do I have to take a leak!"

l.1 Also, if you happen to have a sober person along, try to keep them informed of your state. If you have to boot, let them know (in a round about way) just so they remind you to chew some gum.

M. "Breaking the Seal" Try to hold off from taking a piss as long as possible. After you go the first time, you will have to go every 5 minutes afterwards.

m.1 If you are at home, I suggest not standing up while you vacate your bladder. It's a little more work, but lessens the chance considerably that you don't make a mess. (this trick works best when you can't stand up straight)

N. Send drunk e-mail to friends

n.1 This way, you have a permanent record of your stupidity. Also, when drunk, computers are pretty boring because they require an attention span of at least a 10 year-old. So you limit the amount of damage you can do.

O. Never come to work so fucked up from the night before that you couldn't see the computer screen.

o.1 However. If it must be done, it must be done. Never ever flake out on anything because of a hangover. It is part of your penence for swinging the universal balance of happy-go-luckyness to yourself for the few short hours you were blasted. Your friends will never respect you if you don't show up.

P. Always carry chewing gum.

p.1 Don't worry about when you should use it. Your friends will let you know when your breath smells like something crawled into your mouth and died.

Q. Picking fights. Never pick a fight with a person who is sitting down. For a drunk person, someone who is sitting just looks like someone who is short. When they finally stand up and proceed to kick your ass, don't say I didn't warn you! In the same vein, if a short little guy doesn't back down like you expected, and accepts your challenge, there is probably a reason. Be prepared to have your ass wooped.

R. When the police come to your door, deny all knowledge of anything. A plausible explaination is :"my friend just broke up with his girlfriend and he was pretty upset. Yes he had a little too much to drink, Yes he was yelling at the top of his lungs 'Please someone for the love of god help me!' but he didn't mean it, and has gone home. Thank you for your concern." If they don't buy that story, adopt a funny accent and spend 10 - 20 minutes trying to find your pants, shoes, and wallet. If they don't get bored and leave, then make sure you have walking directions back from the hospital they take you to.

S. When beer goggling (if you've forgotten to wear your drinking shirt) try to take visual cues from your friend, and think about what you admire in the person to whom you are attracted. Here are some examples :

Good: She's got lovely hair.
Bad: She's got a lovely moustache.
Good: She's got beautiful eyes.
Bad: That glass eye won't bother me a bit... even if it did fall out.
Good: She's had an amazing number of life experiences, and that interests me.
Bad: Over 50 doesn't mean she's dead.

etc.