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Fritter, pictured shortly before
his gruesome goring.
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Cowboy
Legend Gored
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LUBBOCK,
February 15, 2005-- Cowboy legend, Rex Fritter, half of
the now infamous cattle rustling act Sigfried and Rex
was in stable condition last night after being gored by
Ol' Beefy, the duo's prized Long-horn steer. A shocked crowd
exited the rodeo grounds, late yesterday afternoon, many
of them rubbing their own derrières in an
act of sympathic solidarity with Fritter.
"I
felt his pain," said Lubbock native, Harriet Fruckman.
"I don't want to tell you just exactly where the horn
went in'm, but let's put it this way: Fritter won't be sittin
none too comfortably any time soon."
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Following the
goring, Ol' Beefy was whisked away in a cattle truck, and
neither his condition nor his whereabouts could be confirmed
as of press time today. Earlier, however, reports surfaced
that Ol' Beefy had been spotted, sitting next to Idaho native,
and world renowned commen-tater, Spuds Johnson, at Bob's Bovineous
Delights, a local Steak and Ribs Eatery.
Sigfried and Rex
are best known for their animal act in which gigantic bronze
steers jump through flaming hoops, and perform other daring
tricks. Their show had been accident-free until yesterday.
"When you mess with bulls for a living, inevitably someone
gets the horn," said Sigfried in an interview from Fritter's
bedside at Lubbock General Hospital. "Ol' Beefy was always
very gentle. Frankly, I was very surprised to see Rex jammed
on the end Ol' Beefy's horn like
a shishkabob."
When asked for a statement, Fritter rolled from his stomach
to his side. "Gentle, my ass!" he said. "What
a bunch of bull."
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Hick eats big apple. Becomes
ill.
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Tourist
Devours Big Apple |
NEW
YORK, October 19, 2004-- In perhaps the most pathetic and
disgusting display of self-indulgence seen in lower Manhattan
in minutes, a Mississippi tourist was found bloated and
moaning near Wall Street on Monday afternoon.
"It appears
he tried to eat the big fiberglass apple down near Battery
Park," said City Counselwoman Pauline Stephenson.
"I could
hardly believe it myself, that someone would, first, mistake
what is clearly intended to be installation art for food,
and second, would continue eating until the entire thing
was gone. It IS after all, made of fiberglass."
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When medical teams arrived, Bertrand Sternwood, of Starkville,
Mississippi was laying on the sidewalk holding his distended
abdomen.
"I can't believe I ate the whole thing," Sternwood
is quoted as saying. "I got a reeeeal bellyache."
In addition to the shards of chewed up fiberglass, surgeons
at Midtown General Hospital also removed what appeared to
be three half-digested clothes pins, a tennis ball, a leather
shoe string, and two pounds of parafin wax from Sternwood's
lower intestine.
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Statue of Steinpata has good balance
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New Statue
Adorns Tijuana Park |
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TIJUANA, Jan.19,2004--
City officials unveilled a statue honoring Mexican Revolutionary
figure, Bernardo Steinpata on Saturday, under a warm
Tijuana sun.
The Mayor seemed delighted
to present the newly commissioned statue, renaming the
park, known for its drunken revelry, and anything-goes
atmosphere, after the founder of the Steinpatista party.
"Today
is a new day for Tijuanans everywhere! A proud day.
Viva la Steinpata!!" shouted the Mayor, to rousing
applause from a throng of equally high-spirited citizenry,
gathered to honor Steinpata.
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"In the future, Steinpata Square, as it is now known,
will be the great gathering place for all those who
wish to seek freedom, justice, and to escape from tyranny!"
Steinpata, founder of the left-leaning majority party
of modern Mexican government, fought for the rights
of the poor, and underpriveledge, and encouraged individuals
to speak out against a self-serving, hypocritical government.
Steinpata Square's lingering urine smell brought the
ceremony to an early close on Saturday. As the teary-eyed
crowd dispersed, many in the notorious border town expressed
surprise that Steinpata, known for his rugged good looks,
unflinching bravery, and irresistable charisma, was
depicted, instead, as a pasty-white nerd, in a twelve
dollar hat.
Later, local pigeons also held a ceremony to christen
the new statue.
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